New York
What constitutes a “remodel?” Who can say, really? Has Erin’s kitchen been remodeled, as she claims? Or is this a new island and fixtures? Or, perhaps, this is not a freshening up, but the final steps of a Ship of Theseus style rebuild in which the original parts of the house are all slowly replaced?
One might think that Jenna Lyons’ choice to fly first while the rest of the apples suffer in coach would make her the villain of the trip. Nope! Not with Erin here. This meeting of the We Hate Erin club kicked off with a lovely boat trip.
This is one of the least aspirational trips a group of Housewives has ever taken. Not because Ramona’s mansion, decked out in an HGTV palette of white and light gray, is not comfortable, or because Ramona’s hospitality manager Michelle is not gracious enough, but because the women fight from the time they arrive to the time they leave, and it’s mostly about their pecking order on a TV show called The Real Housewives of New York City.
Sonja Morgan, mistress of a crumbling townhouse and self-proclaimed bottom, is a drunken menace this trip. The first evening starts out all right, as the ladies dress for a leather and latex dinner that would have gotten them drummed out of the Massachusetts Bay Colony.
Dorinda belligerently argued with every cast member this trip. She was so unpleasant that when she couldn’t make it to dinner one night on account of Montezuma’s Revenge, Luann quipped that “sometimes diarrhea shows up when you need it most.”
When Edith Wharton wrote so rapturously about Newport, its lacy cottages and manicured lawns overlooking the sea, she never dreamed that one day it would be the place where an athleisure-wear designer with a mommy complex would chuck a saucy ravioli at an Upper East Side divorcée in a crowded restaurant.
Seasons earlier, Sonja Morgan of THE Morgan’s witnessed Kelly Bensimon having a nervous breakdown on Scary Island and compassionately rallied the women around her. Now, Sonja is drunkenly out of control. She offers to give the house manager a…prayerful sexual favor, while simultaneously proclaiming that she had no intention of following through.
Once again it’s a holiday in the Berserkshires, but this time it’s Halloween. Dorinda goes all out: hiring a masseuse and a yoga instructor, booking a private tour of the nearby Morgan mansion, and heating her gorgeous pool so that Ramona can enjoy a swim despite the brisk New England air.
Tinsley Mortimer books a trip to Cartagena, a hip and trendy destination whose charms are lost on the pampered New Yorkers. Poor Tinsley, her thanks is complaining all weekend, but her karma is that everyone else has a terrible time. Carole and Bethenny fight so bitterly their friendship ends.
It’s never quite explained why Skinnygirl pre-mixed margaritas was sending Bethenny to Tequila Mexico to taste premium tequilas for a product that had come to market years earlier, but The Skinnygirl was very clear: this was a work trip and Ramona could not be trusted to act with decorum, so she was excluded on work events.
